Official Monster Raving Loony Party Election Manifesto 2005

ECONOMY
We will issue a 99p coin to save on change.

The Official Monster Raving Loony Party will not join the single European
currency. We will invite all Europeans countries to JOIN THE POUND.

Rich people should be taxed to pay for the printing of money, as they own
most of it.

Tax credits will be paid to nice people. There will be a "total bastard" tax
for everyone else.

EDUCATION
In the interests of fair education policy, under a loony government all
children will automatically be given full marks in their exams.

All children will be given two birthdays like the Queen.

The number 13 will be abolished due to its longstanding unpopularity.

The bus to Acton North will now not have a number on it but not much else
will be affected. Therefore if you see a bus with no number on it, it will
be going to Acton North. Please remember this for future reference.

Any student who says the word "Like" when not grammatically called for, as
in, "Hey, I'm .. Like, going down the... like, pub", or, "I was, like, don't
do that" will be made to go and stay with George Bush for a week in order to
discourage them from other stupid 'Americanisms'.

TRANSPORT
In order to combat motorway congestion we will immediately close all
motorways to all vehicles with the exception of bicycles to encourage our
green policy and fitness.

Any bicycles with more than 3 gears will also be banned for safety reasons.
Apart from anything else this will allow police to get on with catching
burglars. Traffic cops who are not intelligent enough to cope with proper
police work will be allowed to wear their uniforms for a transitional period
before being re trained as vicars.

4 wheel drive vehicles will only be allowed to drive off road, therefore
stopping mothers picking up their children from school in them when they
only live 100 yards down the road. They will also be wrapped in bubble wrap
to make them safer.

Drivers will be allowed to drive over roundabouts when there's nothing
about. This will make driving through Milton Keynes much more fun.

All speed cameras will be abolished and replaced by a new device fitted to
your cars which will automatically slow down to the speed limit when driven
though an infra-red beam. This will also apply to police cars; their device
will be set to 5 mph though built up areas.

HOME AFFAIRS
We will set up an enquiry to find out why there's a Polar bear on Fox's
Glacier mints.

The Millennium Bridge will be made wobbly again, by building a pub at either
end.

All computers will carry a hazard warning sign saying "Please do NOT forget
to open your window before you throw this computer out of it".

Due to the government's policy of opening pubs 24 hours a day, a loony
government for public safety will make the wearing of seat belts compulsory
in all pubs, and pub tables will be fitted with airbags so you can fall over
drunk without damaging your head (this does not offer protection from your
wife attacking you with the rolling pin when you get home drunk).

Immigration: everyone wanting to come and live in the UK will be made
welcome, so long as they are over the age of 85 and accompanied by both
parents